A mile in my shoes

There is a term we use in therapy and some would say far more crucial to therapeutic success than any technique or theory we might apply. It is called empathy and loosely describes the capacity to put oneself in the experimental shoes of another, or more simply see the world through their eyes. And even now you may well remember the heart felt words of those well wishers announcing that they were sorry for your loss, generally in response to  the death of a loved one, rather than commiserations at the TAB when your horse came last again and the Dunlop express was the only way of getting home. I have also witnessed grown men openly weep when their football team loses the grand final and i 'm not really sure how to react to this. My own team losing, now that's  a different story, no tears, but a profound frustration with the injustice of bad calls by a referee who should be banned from even judging a snail race, or as you may well remember "we was robbed" as emotion gets in the way of grammatical correctness. 

All this talk of loss and commiseration brings back memories of John Howard's announcement  of "deep and sincere regret that Indigenous Australians suffered injustices under the practises of past generations" , and the ongoing impact of this. Many said it was poor form at the time and a few years later compared with Kevin Rudds "Sorry day speech". I remember living and working in Western QLD at the time, traveling between Charleville and Cunamulla and happened to be there on the afternoon of John Howard's 'faux pa' feeling slightly vulnerable and guilty, taking responsibility by contrast. I was visiting one of the districts elders on a mildly contentious issue, namely alternative placement options for a foster child. From the initial greetings I felt more than compelled to apologise on behalf of our  PM which in retrospect seems a bit unnecessary but emotion has a way of clouding judgement. 

My fears were dispelled within seconds as she reassured me that there was no need to apologise for anything and that "true reconciliation can never come from political policy, but from two people having a yarn, like you and me brother". It was and still remains a special and enlightening moment for me and a crucial adjunct to my current practises both as a person and a professional. To clarify and reassure those two contexts are not mutually exclusive. And yet even as I prounounce these words, my self adordment is a trajc and blatant misnomer. Strong statement I know, but my heartfelt aspirations often fall short of the mark. "Love me, love my dog" the same friend who had more triggers than an ammunition factory used to appeal as acknowledgment of the shadow self.

Perhaps an inaccurate analogy because I sometimes feel our canine companions know more about empathy than we ever will. ? And yet what I mean is I am not perfect. All the more reason to listen and reministent of my own justification to compose a "sorry day speech, for the past both recent and distant wrongs I have inflicted on others. Reflection can sometimes suck but who are we and who can we become if we don't admit our imperfections", insight being a mandatory adjunct to growth. Those who attend AA are required at some point to make ammends for the hurt their  drinking has caused others, a necessary adjunct to healing and growth.

Maybe we don't  know the specifics of how we have hurt the other person, but the sincerity of an apology rests more on the action, rather than the receipt as the aggrieved may not even want to acknowledge us or our words. True empathy also acknowledges the other persons right not to accept the apology as much as this hurts. Yes sometimes empathy involves walking away and giving them the space to reflect and heal in their own way and time. The question is can we give them that time without suggesting they don't know how to move on, the verbal manifestation of our emotional state. Perhaps empathy begins with the self. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ears of all those well wishers and sympathises announcing that "we are sorry for your loss" reminding  me of John Howard's statement that "we deeply regret" timelessly contrasted and castigated because it did not measure up to Kevin Rudds "we are sorry "to our indigenous Australians. 

At the time of Mr Howard's apparent 'faux pa' I was living in Western QLD and spending quite a lot of time in Cunnamulla. 

 

 

 

I remember actually apologising for Mr Howard's speech and I still remember her reply. "Thanks for that brother, but you don't need to apologise for him. I beleive true reconciliation comes from two people having a yarn like you and me and our politicians need to learn this. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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